Teach Soap

So first off, my husband's father lives with us. He owns 50% of the house. This is not ideal, in fact I really am not pleased with it most of the time. He has the upstairs because he can't walk down stairs, this means he also has the kitchen. Kitchens are known as a place where -stuff- ends up, you know, the stuff drawer than has from bandaids to twist ties to nails and sometimes even road flares (still have no idea why mom and dad had those in a kitchen drawer for most of my life). Not here. Here it is for HIS (husband's dad) stuff only. He is apparently threatening to throw away all of our stuff if it isn't moved. *blink blink* Guess who does all of the cooking and cleaning? Not HIM. Me. It's my freaking kitchen!!! My coupons are in a baggy on the corner of the table beside his stack of trash, but they are the things that he plans to throw away. They do him no good you see, he hasn't stepped into a grocery store in probably 40 years. He just eats $200 of food a week, he never actually buys any.

HIS job is to sit on the couch, eat 10,000 calories a day, and complain about me and my husband to anyone who will listen. I do his laundry, cook his food, clean his damned bedroom... but he complain about me. Constantly. I'm lazy and never do anything you see. Um. Yeah. Pot and kettle come to mind. He sprained his back taking a shower. I have pneumonia and am still doing the dishes and laundry and cleaning. My husband works 40 hours a week, does chores on his days off, and guess what? He is lazy too. Dad mows the lawn once every 2 or 3 weeks with his ride on mower. That's it. No other work. He even uses paper plates so he doesn't have to rinse a plate and leave it for me to wash, too hard to walk around the table and turn on the tap.

We spoil this man. He is treated like a prince. New clothes all the time, anything he wants he gets... even if its the junk food he prefers to live on. We wait on him hand and foot and in return we get snide comments, rudeness and complaints. Even the neighbours help him endlessly and all he does is complain!

I'm at my wits end with him! Just typing this is taking away sooo much stress! How do you please someone who refuses to be thankful for anything?

The first year of marriage is supposed to be the hardest right? Bet that doesn't include this crap huh? Ugh. I'd bang my face into my desk but then I'd have a sore face to go with my sore chest

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~~Heather~~
Mad [soaping] Scientist

Sounds like he's been babied for so long, he doesn't know any other way. Unless your husband talks to him, I'm afraid not much will change. Can you afford an apartment on your own? Have a nice long talk with your hubby and see what he says. You say that the old man owns 50% of the house. Does your hubby own the other 50%? Who pays the mortgage or electric? Is your FIL well to do?

Are you done with all your meds? I hope you feel better soon. This is certainly not an ideal situation for a newly married couple.

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Irena
Closed minds are like faulty parachutes; they refuse to open.

Oh wow, that does not sound fun at all I'm with Irena - is there anyway you can afford something just the two of you? I'd rather live in a shoe box on my own than a mansion with someone who made me miserable. What's your hubbies take on all of this? Does he know how you feel? Does he feel the same way? Although not the same, I used to cop similar from my ex's family all the time. To make it worse, my (now ex) was completely blind to it all. Even when he was standing in the same room.... listening to the same thing I was, he still didn't see it. I would bring it up and he would have no idea what I was talking about. And he'd brush everything off with "that's just the way they are..."

Does his dad soap about him too? Or is it just about you? Could it be a case of having been just him and his son for so long that he's resisting change and perhaps jealous that he's not the focus of attention to his son anymore?

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The Soapinatrix! *whip-crack*
- Posting the trials and tribulations of my Soaping Journey!

I still have a few days on the meds.

He has always been babied, first by my husband's mom, now by my husband. His mom passed away a few years ago, from pneumonia... so hubby is extra edgy with me having it. Husband owns the other 50% of the house, and pays probably 85% of the bills. He has talked about moving, but with the housing market we'd never make back what they paid for the house.

The worst part is that his dad pisses him off, then I get a cranky husband. He tries his hardest not to show me how pissed off he is, but I can tell just by looking at him. Makes me want to stamp up there and smack that fool! Arg. And if he isn't picking a fight with Ralph (my husband) then he is picking one with me. Ralph knows exactly how I feel, and he feels the same. There just isn't much we can do about it. Mostly we just hide out down here and try to ignore things. Just wish his dad would accept his spot in the local mason's retirement village. Didn't really intend to marry Ralph AND his dad.

Can't wait to get my workshop done, so I can hide away in there and make masses of soaps and lotions etc. A workshop hobbit!

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~~Heather~~
Mad [soaping] Scientist

Unless either one is willing to change, there won't be any change. Have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Have you considered talking to a counselor or some sort of a professional? It's possible they could give your hubby some coaping tools and you too.

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Irena
Closed minds are like faulty parachutes; they refuse to open.

If I could get them to go to counseling I would, but his dad doesn't see any problem. He thinks we all get along great. Ralph is going to talk to him tonight, hopefully something will come of it.

_________________
~~Heather~~
Mad [soaping] Scientist

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Irena
Closed minds are like faulty parachutes; they refuse to open.

I had a very similar situation with my brother. (29yrs old mind you and still living with mom) He was babied and spoiled most of his life just like your FIL. My sister and I ran the place (my mother lives here too) and due to some health problems my mother was not mentally fit to run the household. I was making sure all rent was paid whenever it got paid. My brother only paid rent when he felt like it and however much he felt like paying. Leaving, usually me, to cover his tail end. He would throw a fit when things didn't go his way and complain to mom to get his way. There's alot more to it but you get the point.
What I had to realize what how much power in the household I actually had. And where I could, I cut him off. No more babying from me, no more anything from me. At first this caused a bit more of contention in the household but he stopped giving me greif over everything and now only on a few things that I can handle. So my suggestion would be, and yeah I know its your kitchen, move some 'personal' things out the kitchen and simtaniously tell him that your not going to do his laundry, clean his, room, etc or whatever it is that would actually make him think. (maybe not at that moment) Then follow through with it. Might cause a few more problems at first, but that mans got to stand on his own two feet.
At least that's what I would do. But I'm tuff nut when it comes to babied men.
(And I'm also single, so please work with your husband on this.)

Oh man, I feel for ya!

As a new member to the family, it sounds like you feel you have to "just deal with it". But you don't! In fact, how you treat your FIL now will set the groundwork for your future relationship with him. If you don't set strong boundries now, he'll learn that he can get whatever he wants from you (meals, cleaning, etc.) and you'll be ok with it. Why are you cleaning his space? You have no reason to do that for him. He's a grown man, he can do it himself!

Maybe you can set up a cooking schedule - you will cook on Mon., Wed. Fri., and he will cook on Tuesday and Thursday - the weekend let people fend for themselves (use the weekend to have date nights and eat out with your hubby, away from the stress at home!).

If he wants you out of his space and out of the kitchen, fine. Buy yourself a hot plate and a mini-fridge and set up your own little kitchen downstairs! If you do this, you'll have no obligation of cleaning the kitchen or entering his space unless you are invited. Bonus! Less work for you!

I think Soapbuddy's suggestion of asking your husband to go to counseling with you would be an excellent idea. If he doesn't want to go, you may want to on your own so that you can get someone outside of the situation to talk to and give you honest feedback and tools to cope. For a while I did this - and it really helped! You can't force other people to go with you and be willing to make changes, but you can go and make changes for yourself to improve the situation.

Sorry you have to go through this your first year of marriage. We had a tough first year too - I was a caretaker for my grandmother during that time of life. But don't worry, there will be lots of other years ahead of you! The first year doesn't have to be the best year. Maybe the second or third year will be the best!

Aw Heather, I'm so sorry you're going through this...
I agree with AriaGirl on everything. You need to let you FIL know that you are now a family member and not a doormat or a maid. When my DH and I were first married he expected me to be like his mom - do pretty much everything but wipe his behind for him. I immediately outlined how things were going to be: you want your laundry done, it had better be in the laundry basket - I am NOT going to be picking up your clothes from wherever. After several times of him not having clean clothes, the clothes started finding there way to the basket. Same thing for the kitchen: you make a mess, you clean it up. I admit, it's hard to ignore piles of clothes on the floor and dirty dishes in the sink, but it's very effective at getting your point across.

Counseling is an excellent idea. You and your DH need to be in agreement as to how this situation is handled and you need to be supportive of each other as you go through this. If you're not in agreement it could drive a wedge between the two of you (which might be what your FIL wants to do). Wishing you the best...

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Linda
I know the voices in my head aren't real, but they sure have some great ideas!

Heather, I agree with the rest of the ladies here. You and Ralph need some professional help to figure all of this out. There are probably several undercurrents and motives as to what is really happening. If you do not get help the lines of communication will be strained and I would be concerned that you may never get them open.... do this as soon as possible before the situation gets worse. I can identify you desire to run to that soaping room and hide, but that will not make this issue go away. I am wishing you the best... we are here to let you vent to us.

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Susie
Sometimes A Mistake is so much fun, You just have to do it again!